The Fudge Filter?

The Great Smoky Mountains National Park draws an estimated nine million visitors a year, but very few ever reach the unpaved ground of the beautiful wilderness. You might wonder why this is and shouldn't the park be doing something about it? Well they are, it is called Natural Eco-Tourism Filtering Plan or NETFP.

First Filter

Pigeon Forge acts as the "First" filter in the NETFP, keeping certain unsavory types out of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. You know who you are. You came from an area of the country that allows you to lay a bowling ball down and it doesn't roll anywhere, you buy and wear the "I'm havin a splashing good time at Dolly's Splash Country T-Shirt" and you think it would be a cute picture if you let your Chihuahua out to pose with that little baby bear that wandered near the side of the road. This group rarely makes it past the Dixie Stampede or the assorted blue and red roof outlet shopping extravaganzas. Mostly the female population is caught up in this net and pose no threat whatsoever in getting close to a quite walkway. Say what you will, but the Shopping Filter gets the job done, almost.

Second Filter

In the event that traffic sweeps the unknowing up the mountain into Gatlinburg a second and more powerful filter is applied. The Fudge Filter. Gone are the days of Rebel Corner and the rubber tomahawks. They were not getting the job done. Some folks just weren't compelled enough to pull over for a Confederate Kepi. Some would end up as far in as the Chimney's picnic area and even over heard talkin about how it would be a great place to build a bagel shop or a chili restaurant. No, drastic action had to follow. It seemed through careful demographic research that the majority of the "wanderers" that reached this level were driven there by men. We all know men don't stop and ask directions, men don't appease the whining child to stop at the "Ripley's Believe it or Not" and men definitely weren't going to pull over for a, $14 per person, ride up to Ober Gatlinburg. There was only one thing left to do, Fudge. Yes fudge is the second and most effective filtering system to keep wandering Tour-o-shoppers out of the National Park. The Fudge filter, it is estimated, keeps nearly 80% of men from reaching the Sugarland Visitor Center.

It worked like a dream. The last vehicle seen up at Newfound Gap with a license plate other than Tennessee or North Carolina was a young marketing executive from Atlanta, Georgia who was heading home from Knoxville after a business meeting and figured he would just head south and was bound to get back home. (Legend has it that he wandered up the Boulevard Trail looking for a Seven Eleven and never returned.)

Third Filter (Proposed)

As Tour-o-shoppers become more familiar and ambitious, we have some suggestions for a Third Filter. This filter would be a cooperative effort with the City of Gatlinburg, the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, and NETFP. The way it would work is, there would be a booth set up right before you get to the park's entrance sign and two sharp dressed middle age men would be in the booth with a giant sign that reads ALL TRAFFIC MUST STOP FOR TIMESHARE SALES PITCH!